After we list our values, we are tempted to say that we are done. Isn’t it clear what each value means? Actually, this is very much not the case. When a company or family has a shared values statement or when one person tells another of their personal ones, there is much more to say than just a one-word definition. What exactly does it mean to hold a certain value? What does that look like?
Presumably, it means that you take actions that you see as supporting that value. When you explain your values you should be able to talk about what you actually do to support that value. If a family or workgroup has a shared statement, everyone should know exactly what this means in practice. How do they express that value together? What do they do to live up to that value? In fact, most values are difficult to actually live up to. If a value were easy we wouldn’t have to process it. Nobody lists eating, drinking, breathing, or sleeping as core to what we do because we just do these things without thought or conflict. We regularly face situations where we are challenged to live up to what we stand for.
Fairness, for example, is a common value, but what does it mean for a parent, or a leader, who sees one person as more talented or valuable than the other? The meaning of being fair is a source of great discussion in work and family. Defining these is just one step towards living them. You have to talk about how you view them, what you do, what they mean to you, and how you expect others to act on them. Having this discussion about what they mean and how they are lived is what we call a values dialogue. It begins when individuals share their personal values or when a group, family, or organization creates shared values.
Values in Action
After we define them, we can then ask ourselves how well do we live up to each one? We may find we don’t really do much about some of them. A value may be an aspiration not reflected in our current actions. We think of ourselves as holding that value but when we look at our behavior, we don’t express this value as much as we think. But to be authentic we must face up to our lack of action and change our behavior or we can give up that value. This is not so easy and many of us prefer to just go through life thinking of ourselves as acting upon our “values” without looking seriously at our actual behavior. Ethical behavior asks us to look at our values and find ways to better act on the values we hold. For example, we can look at what we do in a day or week, and ask how much we act in line with our major values? We can also look at situations where we feel an inner conflict making it difficult to live by our values.
If we want to live by certain values we must look for opportunities to embody them with our actions. For example, a business leader deeply values his family but when he looks at his actual behavior he chooses to spend more time at work. His behavior says he values work more than family. Seeking alignment is never easy but it offers an opportunity to live a more values-based life. It would seem that getting more of what you value out of life is one way to define success. People close to us can help us look at our behavior. They may in fact be better observers of us than ourselves! Having a values discussion in a family or work team can lead us to get feedback from others about how well we live up to each of our values. We can also look at the values that are hard for us, which we aspire to but do not fully express in our lives. For example, many families or workplaces value sustainability and social responsibility, but they find it hard to make choices and invest in actions that support these values. This feedback is an essential tool to work on alignment.
Check back next week to discover the next step in this exercise.
This is the third in a series about values. Find the first here and the second here. Reprinted with permission.
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