There are so many reasons why relationships come with extra baggage when you come from a family of affluence, especially when you’re a woman, trans, or nonbinary. That’s why in this post we’d like to explore a few of the challenges when it comes to dating and wealth — as well as how you can create awareness and start a conversation about solutions.
Common Money Experiences in Relationships
These examples come from our own experiences and those of the many clients we’ve worked with over the years. We encourage you to write in with your own stories and ideas about what’s worked for you.
- How can I be myself when I’m worried that “they’re only with me for my money”? This is a common question, and one that affects friendships as much—if not more than—romantic relationships.
- My boyfriend/husband said he didn’t care that my family’s generational wealth was different from his upbringing…but now he’s pulling away and/or I sense resentment.
- I’ve been successful and supported by my family in all areas of my life…but my parents don’t approve of or like my significant other.
Navigating the Dating and Wealth Dynamic
Here are some ideas to consider when you’re faced with choosing a partner and navigating life as a couple.
1. Diversify Your Definition of Wealth
Using the decades-long research of Jay Hughes, et al, start to introduce the idea that wealth has much more than a financial component and includes social, human, intellectual, and spiritual wealth. While you may bring access to financial wealth by virtue of your family, what aspects of the broader definition of wealth do you personally bring to the table? What about your partner? Use this type of discussion to level the playing field so that financial wealth doesn’t hold the primary position in your relationship that it might in the broader culture.
2. When Choosing a Good Partner, Look for Aligned Values
Ultimately, shared values are what make or break a relationship, but coming from different economic situations doesn’t necessarily mean you can’t share the same values. When looking at a prospective partner, observe the qualities you believe they best demonstrate and live by. Are they motivated and generous? Highly loyal? Assertive? Competitive? How do they choose to spend their time? And most importantly, how does the way they live their values align with and reflect your own? While this takes some effort, it will help you discern and potentially discredit those that are there for the wrong reasons—even if they look the part.
Kore Venture recently hosted a roundtable discussion where Jonathan and Grace Spencer share these red and green lights to give you a solid framework for thinking through the behaviors and attributes that will contribute to a successful partnership.
Red Lights:
- Insecurity
- Status seeking
- Envy
- Competition (“If you win, I lose”)
- Advice aversion (“I know better”)
Green Lights:
- Secure and confident in themselves
- No need to impress people
- Wealth can do good
- Empowerment
- Loves counsel, seeks to grow
3. Find a Shared Purpose of What Wealth Means to You
We see money, not as something to be acquired, saved, invested, and kept from the IRS, but as a tool/fuel to live out your purpose—whether that’s raising your family, building a business, or addressing climate change or homelessness. Create a definition for your partnership that inspires and motivates you. Allow money to serve as a vehicle to make life meaningful, this lessens the need to worry about where it came from and who started with more of it.
Become a Member for Your Expertly Curated Advice
Joining the Family Wealth Library means access to the information the legacy builders need to navigate family dynamics and protect our wealth. We can keep what is ours by managing familial challenges and building trust and transparency.