As I write this, we are at the start of a worldwide pandemic. One that has, so far, seen most schools closed, college students sent home, high school seniors wondering what next year will look like, and homeschooling for the rest of us. Many states have also issued “shelter in place” edicts, which means we’re going to see lots and lots and lots of our families—even more so than we do when we work together.

As we try to wrap our arms around our new reality—and try to figure out what the future holds—we are thrown into a situation none of us has ever experienced. And there is lots of “advice” on how to handle working from home, surrounded by your family.

Healthy Family Relationships

Our imaginary coworker is Chad. As it turns out, Chad leaves his fingernails on the nightstand and uses six or seven cups every day, leaving the previous used cups sitting around the “office”. We don’t know why Chad can’t throw his fingernails out or why he can’t use the same cup every day (or at least put the previous ones in the dishwasher), but we complain about Chad constantly.

At this point, if we don’t all laugh, we’ll cry. And it’s something we all have to get used to.

Four Ways to Maintain Healthy Family Relationships

People keep saying we’re all in this together, which isn’t entirely true. We’re all in this at the same time, but we come at it from different experiences and different perspectives. And, as a member of a family within a family business, your experience is even more different. 

In The Importance of Passing on Values to the Next Generation, we talked about how to avoid the “shirtsleeves to shirtsleeves” problem in the third generation or beyond. Ellen Perry, the founder and principal at Wealthbridge Partners, said:  

To do this intelligently and successfully, families must work hard to maintain healthy family relationships. They must use their financial resources to enhance the life experiences and opportunities of each member of the family.

How do we do that? And how do we know if it’s not working? 

Ken Druck, Ph.D, the author of Courageous Aging: Your Best Years Reimagined, suggests four ways to maintain healthy family relationships:

  1. Open the channels of family communication (and keep them open);
  2. Ask—don’t assume you know; 
  3. Learn to forgive; and 
  4. Make clear agreements.

Let’s explore each of them.

Open Communication Channels

Just like in business, good communication within the family is extraordinarily important. Conflict is natural, of course, so learning how to deal with it is key. The family should always know, no matter what, you are family and it will get through the conflict.

To do that, every situation calls for truthfulness, respect, empathy, and proactiveness. When you’re proactive, you can stay ahead of the pain and conflict that can occur. And, just like in business, family relationships are damaged when we let things fester and unattended. But, unlike in business, the relationships you have with your family are bound in blood. This gives you some leeway to be proactive and honest in a way you can’t always in business relationships. Use that to your advantage.

Forthright communication affords the entire family to get on the same page—always.

Don’t Assume You Know

I would very much like my husband to be a mind reader. After nearly 20 years, you’d think he’d have figured it out. My best friend can read my mind. Why can’t he? 

I digress. 

As it turns out, no one is a mind reader (though my bestie CAN finish my thoughts), so the best way to ensure your family grows together as a cohesive unit is to ask questions. Lots and lots of questions. Then listen. Actively listen. Don’t listen to answer. Listen to hear. Then learn. 

When we feel like we are heard and understood, we create a foundation of love and trustworthiness. Without this, focusing on your family’s health will become nearly impossible. 

Learn to Forgive

Remember how I said conflict is inevitable in families? Because of that, it’s incredibly easy to create differences, misunderstandings, and even grudges without meaning to. The best antidote to this is to learn how to talk things through and forgive.

A wise person once said, “Holding a grudge is a stone in your heart.”

Learning to forgive and forget is one of the most beautiful gifts you can give to yourself and to the health of your family. 

Make Clear Agreements 

The older we get, the more clarity we gain about what works and what doesn’t work in our families. When it comes to the well-being of our loved ones, dealing with conflict or hurtful things is necessary. It’s often easier to avoid or enable, but the family members who act inappropriately, say or do hurtful things, or cause others to avoid meaningful interaction are those who can create the demise of the family. 

The need for new understandings and agreements is critical. By creating a family culture where we can bring things up in a calm, respectful manner and use non-accusatory language increases the chance that the family will remain a cohesive unit.

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