Boundaries are the holy grail in maintaining positive relationships and creating great communication, and yet so often we don’t know what they are or how to set them. This problem is even more of a challenge in family systems, where the roles of the family overlap.
Setting Boundaries
Take the common family business/family office dynamic: A father and her daughter can have the traditional role of father-daughter, the role of manager to an employee if she works for him in the family business, and simultaneously the role of co-ownership if they both sit on the owner’s council for the family’s enterprise. This can start to make boundaries very challenging to see and interpret.
In this situation—and almost every situation—it’s important to set healthy boundaries to ensure both mental and emotional stability. According to Psychologist Joaquín Selva, you must set boundaries by:
- Defining: Identifying the desired boundary
- Communicating: Saying what you need
- Keeping it Simple: Not overexplaining
- Setting Consequences: Stating why it’s important
Image via Positive Psychology
Real-World Examples
Often, our next-gen clients come to us with frustrations that are directly related to a misunderstanding of roles and a lack of clear boundaries. In one circumstance, a client went to her Dad, the CEO of the family business that she works for, to ask about better defining her role and creating more professional opportunities in the business.
His response was for her to exercise more to improve her physical health, which left her flustered and bewildered; she didn’t understand how the two related. In this case, the overlapping roles of father-daughter and boss-employee were being commingled, and a boundary about where personal vs. professional discussions happen needed to be set.
Another example we often see with our clients is when parents have concerns about their child’s choice of partner; they attempt to consciously or unconsciously wield their financial muscle (access to the family’s property, financial support for expenditures) to make their wishes known about the relationship.
Boundaries are needed here but are also quite hard to draw because the child in this situation may have to reckon with the financial consequences of drawing the boundary. After all, they have the autonomy to choose who they date or don’t date.
How to Address These Issues
Ask Clarifying Questions
In order to address these issues, it’s first important to understand the overlapping roles of families in every relationship. You can do this by asking clarifying questions like:
- Is this related to you as my Dad or you as my boss?
- How would those answers be different?
This helps roles become clearer and provides a new perspective from which to think about any given problem.
Make the Implicit, Explicit
This is particularly important in the realm of the financial ties that bind families together. Children need to recognize that financial generosity often comes with expectations that they may or may not want to live with. Furthermore, parents should work to be clear about where and when their financial generosity has “strings attached.”
Set Boundaries Proactively, Not Reactively
Boundaries shouldn’t be a punishment, they should be a standard to live up to. Too often, we don’t clearly communicate a boundary but become resentful when someone hasn’t met our expectations.
While the road to effective boundaries and meaningful relationships isn’t always easy, doing the work to continuously keep your integrity and stay on track will prove to not only serve you well but will serve families well into the future.
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