Conflict is a topic that many families avoid addressing or even acknowledging. That hesitancy can cause families to mistakenly believe that their own family suffers from damaging conflict in a way that few others do.
In fact, family conflict is an inevitable – and normal – part of life. We will never all see eye-to-eye on every topic. But we can understand conflict better and manage it more effectively.
I like to think of conflict as coming in three flavors: good, bad, and ugly. Let’s start with ugly and work our way backward.
Ugly Conflict
Ugly conflict is the type on display in the television series Succession. We’ve seen it over the years when the heirs of celebrities file lawsuits to win control of financial accounts, fight over real estate, or squabble over personal items of limited monetary value. It’s deeply destructive, public, and – to many people – completely fascinating to watch from the outside. Frequently, it is preventable. Yet, fear of ugly conflict can stop families from even attempting to deal with bad conflict.
Bad Conflict
Bad conflict is negative, but it’s not necessarily permanently damaging – if it is addressed effectively. Bad conflict occurs when families argue – or refuse to communicate – over issues that affect their lives, financially or emotionally, or both. Finger-pointing, back-stabbing, and stonewalling can be reflexive reactions to disagreements, but they won’t resolve conflicts well.
When bad conflict looms or takes hold, it’s better to engage and work toward a solution that the people in conflict can live with. Negative conflict does not improve with age. Denying the conflict exists will not end it but may allow it to fester. Recognizing that it exists but avoiding grappling with it can have the same effect. Deliberately delaying taking any action in the hope that it will resolve itself works – on rare occasion. Demonizing the “other side” hardens positions and makes resolving conflicts more difficult.
When families do decide to address a negative conflict, accepting that a perfect resolution is unlikely is an important first step. Some families can take this step, and even complete the conflict resolution process, on their own. Others benefit from the help of a conflict professional who serves as a neutral third party to help them reach a resolution.
When families go forward on their own, they should start with a commitment to work together. This commitment is not the same as: “I know the answer and I will tell you what it is!” The commitment demonstrates respect for the others, and creates a foundation to keep trying, even when the process is challenging (as it is likely to be).
When families decide to work with a conflict professional, such as a family wealth mediator, consultant, or conflict management coach, they should look for someone who does not have an alliance with one family member, branch, or faction. The impartiality of the professional – in fact and in appearance – is essential. A need for subject-matter expertise (e.g., in law, accounting, investments) can be handled by collaboration with other professionals.
Mediators, unlike arbitrators, don’t impose a resolution, but help those in conflict to reach a resolution that everyone can accept. A conflict professional can also help families to improve their own comfort with conflict and their skills in managing conflict before it does real damage.
Good Conflict
Best of all, of course, is good conflict.
Good conflict happens when family members can be open about differences. Varied perspectives can allow families to grow together and avoid stagnation or closure that can lead to distance or estrangement.
How can families nurture that type of positive interaction? Here are a few ideas to try.
- Adopt the perspective, individually and as a family, that differences are inevitable and desirable.
- Set out a conflict resolution process in advance to address bad conflict if it should occur.
- Allow everyone the opportunity to be heard. The flip side is important, too: when we offer our opinions and criticisms, we do it in a civil and respectful manner.
- Consider opposing viewpoints to be invitations to collaborate and think creatively.
- Acknowledge that a voice is not a veto, and sometimes not even a vote. Be clear about the decision-making process and who will be the ultimate decision-maker.
- Find the balance between independence and unity within the family. For example, everyone might embrace philanthropy as a family value; different donor priorities may emerge.
- Avoid unpleasant surprises and find the courage to state and explain unwelcome decisions. If adult children are assuming that parents may help with college expenses and grandparents are assuming that everyone knows that they will not, long-term negative financial and emotional impacts may occur. Similarly, aging parents will sometimes say that they feel they can prevent conflict at the Thanksgiving family gathering by keeping their planning decisions secret while they are alive. Most will recognize that this approach will often leave a legacy of family strife.
Finally, remember the words of the pre-Socratic Greek philosopher Heraclitus. He is credited with originating the idea that the only constant is change. Change will come to every family and every individual in it.
Conditions change: a conflict that seemed intractable can become easier to resolve. People change: we can get better at addressing conflict. Priorities change: what seemed only mildly important a few years ago may seem essential today and in the future. Families change: deaths, births, marriages, and divorces are to be expected.
We do well by ourselves and our families when we accept that change will occur and that it can be a catalyst for addressing conflict effectively.
Conflict is a part of life. Successful families are those who embrace the good, deal with the bad, and prevent the ugly.
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