Constructive Relationships In Family Businesses

I was reading On Wisconsin, the alumni magazine for the University of Wisconsin, when I came across an article highlighting John Gottman, Ph.D., who graduated from Wisconsin in 1972.  I knew of Gottman’s research because I used it often when teaching an undergraduate course at Wisconsin on Interpersonal Communication.

Gottman has devoted his life study to the indicators of what makes a successful marriage. I was in the process of writing an article on preparing teens and young adults for the family enterprise and I thought this is the most important aspect of preparing anyone in a familial relationship, especially those who own/work together. Constructive family business relationships are key to continuance of the family firm.

While Gottman is a noted researcher on marriages, I believe his research applies to all family business  relationships, especially when preparing the next generation. Parents can teach teens and college kids how to have a constructive, open relationship with family members by treating their own relatives in the business in a healthy manner. Gottman suggests that the four most detrimental behaviors for a marital relationship are criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt. In fact, his accuracy in predicting divorce (when he sees these behaviors) is at 94%!

Criticism vs. Complaints In Family Business Relationships

Gottman defines criticism differently than a complaint. A complaint focuses on the specific behavior, whereas criticism focuses on the character of a person. When I teach negotiations, I tell the students to separate people from the problem; focus on what the problem is at that time.  Don’t get caught up in the behaviors of the other person because that causes one to lose their most critical leverage: their ability to think clearly.

The same is true of familial relationships.  Don’t slay the character of the other family member.  Examples such as, “He always needs to be in control” or “She is lazy” are direct slams at their character. It solves no problems but exacerbates the downfall of the relationship.

In some of my most conflicted family enterprise work, I see character slams repeatedly happen. The manner of character slamming becomes a habit and is passed down to the next generation.  Children mirror these types of habits and begin to believe that this is how we treat relatives.

Not good preparation for the future of your family business relationships!

For more information about next-generation development, read Introducing Teens and Young Adults to the Family Enterprise.

This article was originally published as “LEADING THE NEXT GEN BY EXAMPLE: CONSTRUCTIVE FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS” at The Family Business Consulting Group. Reprinted with permission.